I

This morning driving along sunder Das road, watching Pakistani flags raised over the quarters of Aitchison College employees, my mind wandered to the letter written by a character of "aag ka darya" in which he writes his observations about emerging social equation of Karachi and newly found state of Pakistan. I could sense some conflict pinching my heart and soul. In the shadows of the novel, initially I thought as if I am trying to experience the conflict that the migrants had to face in Pakistan but then a series of shocking realizations came to me. I realized that I am not mohajir but a Punjabi and my association is with the land of Punjab which in-turn is part of the nation-state which I consider as my identity. But then I felt detached from the Punjab and Punjabis. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't associate myself with my land, or Punjab, or my Punjabi or Pakistani identity. On a rhetorical level yes, but in reality I couldn't. I realized that I am so distant from the social order that constitutes Punjab - that I am alien to the customs and traditions. That i detest the social values based on bigotry, hypocrisy and fakeness - I detest each one of them - that I have no connection to the land or society of Punjab except that I was born here and my ethnicity is Punjabi. And thus in-turn I realized that I have to redefine my association with Pakistan or probably my identity altogether. My identity seems based on an association about which I am not sure. I feel patriotic, I consider Pakistani to be my identity, but what are the basis of it, I no longer know. I always knew that being a Muslim is not the basis of this identity but I thought that my identity comes through my land and society (Punjab). But now with this gone what basis I have for my identity, I don't know. It can't be my body or soul or can it be? Can one person with all his individuality and distinctness from the lot claim this nation-state to be his? And more importantly, is he the only one or there are others around too? Cheese-cake questions with no answers. I do have my own weaknesses but my weaknesses are totally different from the lot that I belong to, or I thought I belonged to. I am at odds with what I thought I belonged to and seem I am left with nowhere to go. May be I am influenced by the Western values but what to do when I find this society at odds with even the true teachings of Quran? a society that is hinged on a self-devised religion based on hypocrisy, abuse, male chauvinism, and fear. No matter how hard I try, I really feel alien to the society where challenging the sermon of an illiterate village mullah is considered blasphemy but the top brass of religious clergy can put their feet on the names of Prophet and Allah and then shamefully and godly call the act as destroying "Masjid-e-Zarrar"? or a society where one is not ready to let her daughter marry by choice in the name of honor and protection of women and yet could exploit the women through a blatant abuse of power or wealth through rape or mismatched marriages (100+ wealthy men marrying 20 odd year girls)? I am lost, I know no society is perfect but the ills of this society are at odds with my own ills. it's puking.. Disgusting and unbearable for me.. is it a time for me to change my identity or change this crap... I am lost....